Brand spanking new poster for Cash from AFM. Check out the cool
lettering of Sean Bean's name in America's legal tender...He looks
refined and in control...Stay tuned!!!!!!!

The producers of CASH have asked us to share information regarding the
UK release date for the film and the recent postings on the Internet of
a release date. There has been no official confirmation of a release
date by the film producers. The release date of the film in the UK and
internationally will depend on the marketing strategy for release of
CASH in the US, and that date is still to be determined.

Keep checking CASH The Film Fan Blog for the latest confirmed
information about the film's release date.

Reply to this meme by yelling "Words!" and I will give you five words that remind me of you. Then post them in your LJ and explain what they mean to you. (Please note: If you simply wish to comment on something I've said but don't want to participate in the meme, that is fine. I will only give you five words if you specifically comment here with 'Words!')

On another Live Journal Posting (thanks Govi) I was given my 5 words:

Sean
Sharpe
design
California
The Beatles

Let's go alphabetically shall we?



The Beatles: I am lucky enough to be have born in the generation that witnessed the phenomenon that is The Beatles. How lucky, how very, very fortunate to have been born when these guys came into the realm of music and changed the face of pop music forever?Thank God. I mean sure we had Elvis who did his own changing but The Beatles made it gorgeous, fun, surprising and unpredictable. In previous journal entries I've already gone over my love for Paul but The Beatles were so much more than that. Every cliche in the world has been used to describe them so what is there left to say but to offer a grandiose thank you to them for making me feel as if they were my own personal soundtrack for my life as I was growing up. There are no proper words to describe the feeling I get when one of their songs comes on the radio or someone plays one of their tunes; it is warm, it is fuzzy, it is akin to someone wrapping their arms around you in an all encompassing hug. telling you that's something bigger out there is watching over you and knows you better than anyone. All you need is love and The Beatles are It.




California. Ah my ongoing love/hate affair with the state I live in. What does California mean to me. It means, heat, too much sun, a lot of squinting (I loathe wearing sunglasses) it's a place without seasons, a place when where if you wear anything more than a t-shirt most times you pay for it with sweat trickling down your back. It means traffic, crowds, desert--landscaped desert at best--and everyone trying to all look and talk the same as what they see on TV. It also means, my home, for better or worse. Like that much attached relative that you can't seem to shake no matter what you do.You can run but you can't hide. My accent betrays me. My laid back attitude betrays me, my casualness and pathetic overuse of simplistic expressions betray me: "Awesome! Amazing! Seriously???" I am from here and there's nothing I can do to change that. It's better than a lot of places here in the US, I'll agree but not as good as some other places I know of outside the US. But it's a lot of who I am, and I have to take it for what it's worth; warts and all.


Design: Design has always been a part of my life. Loved redoing my room while I was growing up. Rearranging my furniture, putting new things on the walls, displaying my knick knacks just so. My first trip to England heavily influenced how I decorated my first home after I was married and it still influences a lot of my decorating today.  I seem to be quite sensitive to how things look and the einvironment around me. if you really want to depress me, surround me with a lack of colour or ideas. I can almost feel the energy draining out of of my body the more I venture into the vast emptiness of the desert, or navigate my way through the mountains of concrete and asphalt in Los Angeles.  My eyes crave green, softness, rolling hillsides and reject the rectangular denseness of most things around me.
Designing my own websites is a lot of fun too. I like the way I can balance the graphics and the photographs on a page. Make things equal in my universe, pleasing to the eye and finding new ways to inform people while using a myriad of ways to get that information across in the most pleasing manner possible. It's a way of controlling my little world when the big one is too overwhelming to contend with.


Sean: Oh boy how do I describe what that one word means. If I do it can mean so much abuse from those who are nearest and dearest to me on a regular every day basis. To the people I have known for what it seems forever, it is more diifcult to convey my feelings. There are preconceived ideas abot me that some people do not want to see changed. There are assumptions about me that will be made on the premise of what they assume they know about him. So how do I begin to explain this person named Sean. Well let me put it this way. Without him I would never have let myself be open to the many expereinces of watching him do on film what very few actors can do, in my humble opinion, anyway. I have watched films he's been in that normally I would have steered far clear of because of the subject matter. And because of his abiity to convey emotion and conviction in his performances I now understand the world around me a little better. But Sean has affected my own personal life far more than that because it is through him that I now know people across the world who have become very dear to me. People I have spent some incredible times with just by sharing a love for what he does, who he is and what he represents. That's a hell of a lot more than what a lot of people I've met in real life have done for me.


Which brings me to my last word: Sharpe. Ah Sharpe. This one word means many things to me as well. Discovering Sharpe was discovering a whole new world in many ways. What a hero! Someone to root for! Someone who's both a good guy and a rogue. A soft hearted rogue, when it comes to women especially; Sharpe can never refuse a damsal in distress. And he's ruthless with his enemies. What's not to love? I can also thank Sharpe's creator, Bernard Cornwell for that. For inventing such a grand character who encompasses all of human nature, both the good and the bad. He made me aware of the Naploeonic Period which is a most fascinating era and an period  I would never have ventured further to learn more about on my own.
But personally Sharpe affected me in a powerful way. He gave me the courage and conviction to invent a new website dedicated to Sharpe and the power behind the making of such a rich and much loved series. It brought me into a partnership to find out what makes Sharpe tick as a television show and introduced me to fabulously interesting people. It is an ongoing labour of love for me to continue to work on Sharpe Pointe and to bring even more people around the world to know and love Sharpe as much as I do. I adore anything that can bring me closer to epople and to enjoy more new exicitng experiences. that to me, embodies Sharpe.


So now,  if after reading this you find you want your own 5 words, just let me know, I'd be glad to help!


.

In Stephen Milburn Anderson’s film CASH! he explores the theme of how
far will a person allow themselves to be pushed. How far will someone
go before they stop themselves under the guise of an authority figure.
Do they stop themselves? Can they? When Pyke Kubik comes into the
Phelans lives, we see Sam and Leslie perform acts they normally
wouldn’t. How to explain this all too common response? Is this the dark
side, the bad side that is inherent in all human beings? Seeing evil in
another person is one thing but what happens when you see it in
yourself...and do its bidding?

Stephen Milburn Anderson talks about using this theme in CASH:





Ordinary people, simply doing their jobs, and without any particular
hostility on their part, can become agents in a terrible destructive
process. Moreover, even when the destructive effects of their work
become patently clear, and they are asked to carry out actions
incompatible with fundamental standards of morality, relatively few
people have the resources needed to resist authority.
Milgram, Stanley. (1974), "The Perils of Obedience". Harper's Magazine.
Abridged and adapted from Obedience to Authority.

To learn more about Stanley Milgram’s Experiment and its impact check
out these two links:


http://vodpod.com/watch/1434401-the-milgram-experiment

http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/12/19/milgram.experiment.obedience/#cnnSTCVideo

At times, I think being an Anglophile is as much ingrained in the blood
as it is being related to a country by birth. I’d mentioned in a
previous post that the first time I saw Sean Bean was in The Field and
Patriot Games, where he plays a young Irish farmer and an IRA
terrorist, respectively. My own background consists of both Irish and
English ancestors and I’d been raised with a good sense of both
countries, their histories, their troubles and travails where I could
see and empathize with the both sides of the equation. Films often
enhance the experience and take you into a place and into the psyche of
a certain character and I soon found out that Sean Bean was more than
capable of taking me into a familiar world and expanding its horizons.

So imagine my surprise to find out that the fine Irish actor I had
newly discovered was actually from Yorkshire. It’s not just a matter of
jumping the Irish channel to England, but the distinction between the
North and South of England as well. Some people outside the UK may not
be aware there is great difference, but it is not just the contrast
between say, a posh English accent from the South and the discernible
Northern accent of Sean’s birth…a mix of ‘sex and steel’ as one astute
female observer noted. But it is also about his animal sense of place.
A bit of ‘up the country’ in Sean’s ability to play those characters
from the ground up, charging those roles with an innate sense of pride
and gritty realism that makes him distinct amongst his peers. There’s a
stand and fight sense about Sean Bean; a tradition long held dear on
both sides of the Irish Sea.

Perhaps it is these character traits that drew a director’s or a
producer’s eye towards Sean, for these early films. Did they somehow
perceive or sniff out an Irishman in the making? Whatever it was, their
keen foresight would prove largely prophetic for it was just the
beginning in showcasing Sean’s flair for perfecting accents and
absorbing people from all walks of life.

Sean Bean’s first appearance in a film as an Irishman was in the part
of Dominic O’Brien in Catherine Cookson’s The Fifteen Streets, 1989.
When Sean was first cast, Producer Ray Marshall had a challenge:

He needed someone dashing, a bit rough around the edges, but also
something of a charmer. He instantly knew Sean Bean was right for the
role of Dominic O'Brien. It was a casting made in heaven. And thanks to
his role in the drama set on the Tyne docks in 1910, Sean Bean became a
household name and international film star.
Jun 26 2001 Evening Chronicle

Dashing? A bit rough around the edges? Aye, Sean Bean was their man,
all right. And he would prove perfect for the role of the brash,
arrogant younger brother of the sensible, and even tempered John
O’Brien.
The Fifteen Streets tells the story of turn-of-the-century Great
Britain, where a Northern factory worker (Owen Teale) and an
aristocratic school teacher fall deeply in love, only to find their
passion sorely tested by their class and cultural differences. The
story becomes further complicated when the naive and child-like Nancy
from across the way becomes pregnant and everyone suspects John to be
the father.






In his second role as an Irishman, Bean plays the slow-witted son of
Bull McCabe in The Field, 1990. This time Sean was up against some true
giants of his profession, keeping company with the likes of Richard
Harris and John Hurt. These acting greats did not overshadow Bean’s
ability to perform; in fact the challenge enhanced his work, proving
that he could stand up to seasoned veterans with ease.
With very little dialogue, Bean was able to take us into the heart and
mind of Tadgh McCabe; a son who bears the monstrous responsibility of a
tragedy that occurred in the family years ago and who bears the brunt
of his father’s anger. Emotions flicker over Sean’s face like clouds
across a landscape; alternately playing light and dark in fleeting
glimpses that threaten us with their presence. We are drawn in, unaware
of it trespassing into our own emotions as we watch this grown man
struggle to deal with his father’s irrational ideas and bullying
tirades. When Tadgh finally meets a tinker’s daughter, we see him
struggle to act like the man he so badly wants to become beneath his
father’s relentless rule.





This may be one of Sean’s earliest roles but it remains one of my
favorites for the sheer range of feeling he shows in a glance, the way
he sets his jaw or in the slump and crouch of his body as he tears
through the Irish countryside, seeking escape from unexpressed thoughts
and confusion.


The fire and bravado we saw executed in Sean’s earlier portrayal of
Dominic would serve him well when he came up for the role as Sean
Miller in Patriot Games 1992. In this film, Bean plays an Irish
terrorist bent on revenge for the killing of his younger brother by
Jack Ryan (Harrison Ford) who foils a splinter faction of the IRA’s
attempt to kill a member of the Royal Family. Obsessed with killing
Ryan and his family, Bean displays his hatred in wordless vitriol.



Despite its many violent episodes, the film remains bloodless. Perhaps
that can be traced to Mr. Clancy's fascination with technology, and to
his way of treating human characters only slightly less methodically
than he treats machines. The Ryans are so generically happy, and the
terrorists so generically bad, that it's a wonder Mr. Noyce can create
any real tension or surprise. But he has cast the villainous roles
particularly well; the fierce-looking Sean Bean is outstandingly good
as Ryan's main antagonist, and Patrick Bergen brings the right air of
calculation to the terrorist mastermind he plays. Several of the film's
main sequences, like an encounter between Mr. Bean's Sean Miller and
David Threlfall as the police inspector who has been his captor, derive
their horror from the looks of pure loathing that these terrorists
bestow upon their prey.
Patriot Games by Janet Maslin New York Times, June 5, 1992





Sean’s Belfast accent was flawless and his deep-seated hatred for those
who had destroyed his family sprang from genes you would have sworn
were fast-rooted in troubled Irish soil.

To think that Bean was simultaneously filming Lady Chatterley, playing
the sensitive Yorkshire gamekeeper Mellors which would quickly ensure
his place as every woman’s ‘bit of rough’ whilst portraying a Belfast
assassin who kills with calculated coolness and ferocity is astonishing.

One can’t help but wonder how we will see Bean pull off his two
distinct roles and mindsets in the upcoming Ca$h. If experience has
anything to teach us, it tells us to grab a passport and brush up on
your Baedeker; Sean’s about to take you on a trip you’re not soon
likely to forget.

Traci Moore

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Where Are You Going, Where Have You Bean?

By Traci Moore

As we anxiously await the release of Ca$h, we want to take the time for you to get to know Sean Bean a little better. Although he has been a big star in the UK for quite some time, his career spanning nearly 25 years in film alone, there are audiences outside Britain who are still unfamiliar with his huge body of work.

Today we launch the beginning of our foray into the nature of Sean Bean’s work, focusing on what you see is only the tip of the iceberg in what you get with an actor of his skill and talent. Keep your eye on him; you never know which way he might turn. And that’s a good thing.

In Ca$h, we know we will be treated to two sides of a character, a welcome challenge to Sean Bean. In today’s post we are going to dig back a ways, to give you an inside glimpse of a few characters Sean has shown before.

In 1991’s Tell Me That You Love Me, he plays Gabriel Lewis, a man who on the surface seems like every woman’s dream come true. But as the relationship progresses, he stops being supportive and loving and becomes jealous, possessive and finally obsessive,


It’s a hallmark of Sean’s talent to go seamlessly from the charming, suave, sophisticated persona into the frenzied, driven personality who will stop at nothing to get what he wants.


However, is Lewis such a bad guy?

"Yes, he's a nutter, he goes too far, but I usually find a quality I like in a role I play," says 32-year-old Bean. "I like him. This guy is screwed up, but he's not deliberately nasty - he's not a villain; he's a bit sad."
On screen, however, he relishes playing the oddball. "Everyone's got an obsessive, manic streak in them somewhere, and it just depends on how virulent it is," he says. "The man I play in Tell Me That You Love Me is just more manic than most of us."
Yorkshire Post 31 August 1991


Extremely Dangerous (1999)

Convicted of the shocking and gruesome slaughter of his wife and young daughter, Neil Byrne (Sean Bean) jumps off a speeding train and escapes into the night, leaving behind only his guards and a paperback novel. As Byrne goes undercover, taking on former acquaintances of a ruthless organised crime syndicate and evading capture by their mobs, the police and sinister government agencies, we begin to learn more details of his crime, and the significance of the missing paperback. Protested innocence seems an irrelevance as unseen masters use Byrne and his pursuers as expendable pawns in a chilling battle to protect deeper, darker secrets.


In this scene, DI Danny Ford (Sean Gallagher), who put Byrne away for killing his wife and daughter, struggles to reason with the escaped convict. Audiences aren’t quite sure whether to believe Byrne’s protestations of guilt or to agree with Ford. Bean’s countenance registers layers of emotion, dealing with Byrne’s graphic and painful memories, as the Detective Inspector details the history of the conviction.



"I liked trying to get into this man's head and what was going on in his mind. He’s been through this awful tragedy, this intense trauma where he's getting flashbacks and he's not quite sure himself that he hasn’t committed a crime."
Leicester Mercury November 11, 1999

Later in the story, we see Byrne deal with a couple of thugs out to rob the mini cab service where he is working undercover:



Neil Byrne is a volatile personality, capable of great anger and violence. Is this a psychopath capable of cold-blooded murder or an ordinary man driven to the edge by other people’s machinations? As the audience, we never know what Bean is capable of, but we are never disappointed. He always keeps us guessing.


Stay tuned as we continue to bring you more insight into the career of Sean Bean, featuring his thoughts on his chosen profession and the degree of focus and professionalism he puts into his roles. Something that many perhaps more well known names do not come close to by comparison. But don’t just take our word for it. All you need do it watch and listen.

Stumbled across this a few days ago and was delighted at what I'd found: morrismovie.com/ I won't post the trailer here because you should definitely go to the site to support the film. What a subject, what a cast!!! Check these names out (and any fan of British film and television will know these names without batting an eye:

Ian Hart
Derek Jacobi
Sophie Thompson
Greg Wise
Harriet Walters
Pascal Langdale
Aidan McArdle


..just to name a few supremely talented players in what promises to be a thoroughly enjoyable ride.Now we here in America are stuck waiting but hopefully not too long, if we go out and support the film and spread the word fast and furiously.

Anyone who loves films such as The Full Monty, Kinky Boots and such, any kind of quirky, off the wall Brit film lover should go head over hells (sorry--couldn't resist) for a film like this.

So get out there and support Morris!!!

On Layer Cake soundtrack-excellent film. Waiting impatiently for their new "Tell Me It's Not Over" with Brandon Flowers on backing vox to be blipped.

I just discovered Blip.fm where you can be your own DJ and post favorite songs and whatnot (gotta love the whatnot...) to all your friends. I am having a blast posting my songs, They should be appearing on Twitter.com as (englishatheart) Blip.fm of course and here on LJ. We'll see if this works. Come on, be one of my faovrite listeners and win a grand prize of $10,000!!!!

http://blip.fm/englishatheart

Best SKY TV ad EVER. UTB!!!

Well, I threw out my hat and got a couple of questions that beg to be answered. So here goes:

For  blueheronz  who asked:

What author or book has had the most discernible impact on your life or your thinking?

Gads. First and foremost? Charlotte Bronte. Which seems like a very tired and cliched answer but it is the truth. I read Jane Eyre at age 11 and was truly forever changed. It opened my eyes to three main things:

That even though we feel like it, we are not alone in the world. I related so much to Jane's loneliness and isolation (cue violin strings) and it just made me feel better to know that I wasn't the only person in the world that felt like it.

Ere the half-hour ended, five o’clock struck; school was dismissed, and all were gone into the refectory to tea. I now ventured to descend: it was deep dusk; I retired into a corner and sat down on the floor. The spell by which I had been so far supported began to dissolve; reaction took place, and soon, so overwhelming was the grief that seized me, I sank prostrate with my face to the ground. Now I wept: Helen Burns was not here; nothing sustained me; left to myself I abandoned myself, and my tears watered the boards. I had meant to be so good, and to do so much at Lowood: to make so many friends, to earn respect and win affection. Already I had made visible progress: that very morning I had reached the head of my class; Miss Miller had praised me warmly; Miss Temple had smiled approbation; she had promised to teach me drawing, and to let me learn French, if I continued to make similar improvement two months longer: and then I was well received by my fellow-pupils; treated as an equal by those of my own age, and not molested by any; now, here I lay again crushed and trodden on; and could I ever rise more?“Come, eat something,” she said; but I put both away from me, feeling as if a drop or a crumb would have choked me in my present condition. Helen regarded me, probably with surprise: I could not now abate my agitation, though I tried hard; I continued to weep aloud. She sat down on the ground near me, embraced her knees with her arms, and rested her head upon them; in that attitude she remained silent as an Indian. I was the first who spoke—
“Helen, why do you stay with a girl whom everybody believes to be a liar?”
“Everybody, Jane? Why, there are only eighty people who have heard you called so, and the world contains hundreds of millions.”
“But what have I to do with millions? The eighty, I know, despise me.”
“Jane, you are mistaken: probably not one in the school either despises or dislikes you: many, I am sure, pity you much.”

Didn't mean to put such a long section in, but couldn't really see a way to cut it down. At any rate, it had a major impact on me to know that there was a world beyond my very small imagined borders.

Charlotte Bronte introduced me to the moody, broody, deeply romantic and sensitive Mr. Rochester. Wow. Double Wow. Talk about forever changed. The anti-hero. The man who hid deep, dark secrets in his soul, who cried out for love but was too damaged by experience to ever try again. Until he meet poor, little, insignificant plain Jane. A man who wanted an equal, not a sidekick or some flat-liner bimbo to jump in bed or wash his clothes. Hey--if there was hope for her, there was hope for me. And romance? No one could touch Edward Rochester. Well, I wanted to, but hell, I was only 11. But it stirred up feelings in me I didn't know I possessed. This was my introduction to romantic love. No going back from there.

"My bride is here," he said, again drawing me to him, "because my equal is here, and my likeness. Jane, will you marry me?"
Still I did not answer, and still I writhed myself from his grasp: for I was still incredulous.
"Do you doubt me, Jane?"
"Entirely."
"You have no faith in me?"
"Not a whit."
"Am I a liar in your eyes?" he asked passionately. "Little sceptic, you SHALL be convinced. What love have I for Miss Ingram? None: and that you know. What love has she for me? None: as I have taken pains to prove: I caused a rumour to reach her that my fortune was not a third of what was supposed, and after that I presented myself to see the result; it was coldness both from her and her mother. I would not--I could not--marry Miss Ingram. You-- you strange, you almost unearthly thing!--I love as my own flesh. You--poor and obscure, and small and plain as you are--I entreat to accept me as a husband."
"What, me!" I ejaculated, beginning in his earnestness--and especially in his incivility--to credit his sincerity: "me who have not a friend in the world but you- if you are my friend: not a shilling but what you have given me?"
"You, Jane, I must have you for my own--entirely my own. Will you be mine? Say yes, quickly."
"Mr. Rochester, let me look at your face: turn to the moonlight."
"Why?"
"Because I want to read your countenance--turn!"
"There! you will find it scarcely more legible than a crumpled, scratched page. Read on: only make haste, for I suffer."
His face was very much agitated and very much flushed, and there were strong workings in the features, and strange gleams in the eyes
"Oh, Jane, you torture me!" he exclaimed. "With that searching and yet faithful and generous look, you torture me!"
"How can I do that? If you are true, and your offer real, my only feelings to you must be gratitude and devotion--they cannot torture."
"Gratitude!" he ejaculated; and added wildly--"Jane accept me quickly. Say, Edward--give me my name--Edward--I will marry you."
"Are you in earnest? Do you truly love me? Do you sincerely wish me to be your wife?"
"I do; and if an oath is necessary to satisfy you, I swear it."
"Then, sir, I will marry you."
"Edward--my little wife!"
"Dear Edward!"
"Come to me--come to me entirely now," said he; and added, in his deepest tone, speaking in my ear as his cheek was laid on mine, "Make my happiness--I will make yours."
"God pardon me!" he subjoined ere long; "and man meddle not with me: I have her, and will hold her."

Triple WOW

Man not meddle with me? Man not meddle with me??? Oh yeah, that's what
I'm talking about.

The third thing was that Charlotte Bronte was a very independent woman in a time when it was extremely difficult to be so. She was a writer and inspired me to write more. I wrote plays, I wrote volumes of letters to my friends since we moved around so much when I was younger. It helped me immeasurably. The fact that she had made Jane such an an independent woman was very inspiring. Hope was on the horizon.

"No, sir! I am an independent woman now."

"Independent! What do you mean, Jane?"

"My uncle in Madeira is dead, and he left me five thousand pounds."

"Ah! this is practical--this is real!" he cried: "I should never dream that. Besides, there is that peculiar voice of hers, so animating and piquant, as well as soft: it cheers my withered heart; it puts life into it.--What, Janet! Are you an independent woman? A rich woman?"

"If you won't let me live with you, I can build a house of my own close up to your door, and you may come and sit in my parlour when you want company of an evening."

"But as you are rich, Jane, you have now, no doubt, friends who will look after you, and not suffer you to devote yourself to a blind lameter like me?"

"I told you I am independent, sir, as well as rich: I am my own mistress."

"And you will stay with me?"

"Certainly--unless you object. I will be your neighbour, your nurse, your housekeeper. I find you lonely: I will be your companion--to read to you, to walk with you, to sit with you, to wait on you, to be eyes and hands to you. Cease to look so melancholy, my dear master; you shall not be left desolate, so long as I live."

Okay, well, money helps, can't argue that. But for 1848 it was some pretty progressive stuff. And by jove, for 1968 it was still pretty progressive. But my time was coming.

So there you have it. And here, in your basic nutshell, am I.
I am coming, Edward. Oh yes, you can depend on it.
I am coming!

Not sure this is the best idea since I don't blog too often. Many of my readers may have already given up on me at this point. If you're alive, let me know you're out there... Stealing this lovely idea from blueheronz

Everyone has things they don't blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but that you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it (or at least respond in the comments, depending on what it is). Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, religion (personal or in general), favorite type of underwear, life experiences, etc. Ask me serious questions about something you've always wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or ask me silly questions. Or maybe you're new and just want to get to know me better. Whatever. Just ask. And then do this meme yourself, so I can do the same for you!

I realize my posts recently have been a little morose lately. Or self-absorbed. But one thing I wonder is who out there shares my sense of humor? I feel pressed to list a few things that make me laugh my ass off. Laugh out loud when I'm alone. I tend to drift towards the dark side. I find great humour in the nitty gritty truth of what happens in real life. Sometimes I am accused of having the most bizarre sense of what is funny. There are times I am laughing so hard that I literally cannot see and yet people are easing away from me as I do this, they ease away in nervous anxiousness. They hope it's truly not catching. They hope that they never find themselves having to cope as I do with the complex and comicly black world we live in. The say laughter is the best medicine. I find laughter the best antidote for an increasingly dysfunctional world.
Thank god I have I have found a few others who share my sense of the absurd...

I have a sister who is identical to the woman in this video. Identical. Before I saw this skit, I didn't find my sister funny. Now that I've seen this, I find her hysterical.


In this next one, no one must laugh at the handicapped. NO ONE. But what happens when the handicapped are mean and cruel to you???


Sorry--I was crying I was laughing so hard at this. Yes. I'm a terrible person.


Mean people are funny. But fat people are funnier. About being mean.


And last but not really last. I've got plenty more where these come from. Just think, these are all American slices of bittersweet and dark (much like chocolate...) comedy. And I haven't even started on the Brits yet.

But Bob Newhart has always reminded me of my dad. Truly. And I swear somewhere along the way I have had this conversation with my father at some point.



Now I am sure there are those out there who may truly fear for my psyche, who may even fear for my soul. On the other hand, these examples explain quite a bit about me. Watch and learn, baby. Watch and learn...

We watched the final episode of the Up Series on Saturday and now we have to wait another four years for the next instalment. Wow—just like real life. At 49 the kids now seem for the most part happier and more at peace with themselves. Even Neil , the one I feel the most for and worry the most about, seems to possibly be settling into place. I listened closely to this last episode, for the questions the director asked each of them in their 49th year of life and thought I would add a post script to my last entry.

Are you happy?


I would say yes for the most part. As I stated previously, I married the man I loved and still love, I have fantastic kids, and together we have built a pretty nice life for ourselves. But personal happiness as in being satisfied with myself—I feel I am far from it. I still don’t feel I’ve accomplished as much as I think I should have by now. Often I feel that something is still missing deep within myself—only I’m still not sure what it is exactly. There is still a sense of self confidence that got battered many years ago and has never fully recovered. That is where my old penchant for acting still comes in handy for I have to act the part in order to gather enough courage to get myself to go through the motions to obtain the things I still want in life. I still want to have an identity other than being someone’s wife, someone’s daughter, or someone’s mother. The lack of an official career or the lack of accomplishing something substantial outside of hearth and home bothers me a great deal.

Any regrets?



Probably not pursuing my disc jockey career, and seeing what I could have done with it. It was a conscious decision to leave it because I didn’t want to do what I termed as “brown-nosing” in order to go up in the world of broadcasting as well as having to be really competitive with anyone in the running for the same job. I was also getting married and needed a full time job so I was wiling to let it go, especially when I found what at the time was fun and creative work at the record distributor. All in all, with being a disc jockey I just don’t think I was cut throat enough to get what I wanted. I also probably regret not finishing college and letting my phobia of math, of all things stop me from getting my degree. It most likely would have boosted my self confidence and perhaps have led me to other job opportunities in the long run.


Has it been worth it?



Yes, although (and I always see to have an although, don’t I) I am sorry it’s taken me this long to realize so many things about my life in order to make real progress. To have to learn that just because you want something to be a certain way very badly is not enough and that some things will never change no matter how hard you try and you just have to be the best person you can possibly be and let the chips fall where they may. To know that we can only control so many things in this life and to realize that there are far greater forces in this universe at work than just the power of my own tiny brain and that sometimes things happen for a reason...

...And Sometimes. Things. Just. Happen.


Do you feel you could have done more with your work?

Well I pretty much answered this one already haven’t I. So in a word, yes.

What does (your spouse) do for you?


He accepts me unconditionally and believe me I know this for a fact because I have tested him mightily. So to be loved unconditionally is one of most incredible things that could have ever happened to me in my life. He supports me in everything and anything I have ever wanted. He keeps me going when I am not certain I could possibly go any longer. He listens. Above all, he listens. And that is a trait that can never, ever be overestimated. And, he tells me I am the best thing that has ever happened to him and the value of that can never be underestimated. It’s pretty damn wonderful to feel you mean that much to someone.

Is life tougher out there for your children than it was for you?
I don’t think this can be answered with a yes or a no. It’s both, of course. Easier, in a sense that my kids both have unconditional love which is something I felt I didn’t have from my parents. There are more opportunities for them than I felt I had at their age.



The amount of information available to them via so may different alternatives is fabulous. The Internet has brought forward so much information that we as kids never remotely had access to. But with all that information kids are much more aware of the hazards and pitfalls of decisions that we as kids never were. People are more open about their feelings than they were when we were young which I think is a boost but then again you have people who verbally vomit all over everyone else because they think they have more rights to their feelings than others. So always, always, it’s a double-edged sword. The instant gratification is something that I don’t think is really any good for anybody and that is a lot more prevalent than it was back in my day (now I sound like Grandma Moses...) Making sure everyone has rights is almost a guarantee that no one has rights which isn’t good either. Of course I believe in equality for all but I don’t believe everyone is entitled to everything simply because they decide they want it. People do need a sense of feeling they have earned something rather than just being given it because it’s something that can be done now.


Although the opportunities are vast and numerous it comes with a price because life is so much more complicated than when I was growing up.

Lastly, who’s the biggest person in your life in the sense of giving your life value?

It’s hard to whittle it down to just one person because I feel I am the sum of many persons who have given my life value. My grandparents (meaning my dad’s mom and dad), my husband, my kids, my dearest friends, and my therapist, god bless him--and in a sense my ancestors who came over mainly from England and Ireland and who have given me a sense of self that is more deeply rooted and more spiritual and more understandable than most of the life experience I have had in California.

So there you have it. I’ll end with my current favorite quote as it is most fitting for where I Am Right Now.

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." ~ Anaïs Nin

It's been forever and a day since I last wrote a long entry. The website has been keeping me plenty busy and I'm quite pleased with the outcome so far. We've come a long way in a short while—over 5000 hits just since last July. Not bad. :)

Rob, Liam, his friend Emily and I have been watching the most fascinating series and it's given me a lot of food for thought. It's called the Up Series and it began in 1964 with a bunch of 7 year old British school children from all walks of life. Upper class, middle class, lower class. They took children from Liverpool to Yorkshire and various posh and poor areas in London. The director took the well known Jesuit quote "Give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man." and applied it to them. They were selected to represent the range of socio-economic backgrounds in Britain at the time, with the explicit assumption that each child's social class predetermines their future. Every seven years, the director, Michael Apted, still films new material from as many of the fourteen as he can get to participate.




There are so many things remarkable about this series I hardly know where to start but one thing that resonates deeply with me if these children started out the same age as I was in 1964 so it has been incredible to see the kinds of adults they grow into and continue to be. For many of them you can see right away who they were going to become. Two of the more well off posh boys became lawyers and one of them a documentary maker for the BBC. The posh girl who wanted a nanny for her children to- be at age 7 and then didn’t want marriage or children at 14 and 21, became a well adjusted wife and mother. The two boys who had been placed in a children's home both got married and settled down with families, working steadily at their jobs. Nick, the Yorkshire boy who grew up on a farm and was independent and quite a character at seven, became a Nuclear Physicist—who’da thought! And Neil, the boy from Liverpool with such a sparkle in his eye, such a sweetheart, so adorable and who became homeless and wandered around the UK for several years,


Neil from the Up Series. As a child and as an adult.

He’d first wanted to an an astronaut then a coach driver. He did manage one thing and that was to travel everywhere on his own. His story gets to me the most. He seems to be endlessly searching for something, somewhere and someone. Often he does not know how to express it well himself. He struggles so much more and longer than any of the other children. I tear up every time I watch him. It strikes me in my heart. He always seems to be on the outside looking in and I still feel that way a lot myself. Of course it's all made me think back on my own childhood, looking for clues to see who I've become. What were the signs back then of the child I was that I can still see in myself today.

I was a kid who was pretty dramatic, very vocal and strong-willed. I am sure there are those out there that would vehemently agree that I am much the same today. Age has probably tempered some of it. You realize that throwing a tantrum or just voicing your opinion loudly doesn't necessarily gain the attention you ultimately want. I've learned to temper my moods although I'm sure some would say not enough. I loved music and art and anything with a bit of drama to it. And I was very social and outgoing.

The questions the director asked the children were typical of what adults want to know. What do you want to be when you grow up? At seven I wanted to be an actress. Probably still would if it were possible. And no, I don't mean community theater but a proper actress, a serious one. But those days are gone. Although I do some pretty heavy acting at times when it's called for at family functions and gatherings or in discussions with people I may not know all that well and don't agree with or get along with. Situations that place most people at an advantage if they can act their way out of it without causing too much trouble.

They also asked if the children had a boyfriend/girlfriend. At seven, I did not have one (and was always dumbfounded at anyone that age who would even consider such a thing--boys were obviously so irritating, dirty and a pain in the rear end. However I did have crushes and I had a massive one on Paul McCartney at the time.



I saw him sing "Yesterday" on Ed Sullivan and that was it. I fell and fell hard. I was certain it was only a matter of time until I met him and that would be it. We would be married and he would be my husband forever. You can imagine my shock and dismay when I saw he had married Linda. Why, he hadn’t even met me yet. What could he have been thinking?

At 14 I had my first bonafide deep crush on a boy named Mark that lasted almost a year. An eternity at that age. After being crazy about him for nine months we found ourselves going to the same summer school and one day he asked me to come home with him. I was so thrilled that I of course accepted and was too afraid to call my mother to tell where I was going for fear of her saying I had to come straight home. I ended up being at his house all afternoon and I subsequently got grounded for most of the summer after that but it was worth every thrilling second I spent with him. He asked me to go steady and I think we lasted all of two months perhaps before breaking up but boy did I feel triumphant. Another seven years later at 21, I was on the verge of getting married to a guy I had first seen playing the guitar at age 16 in a band and who happened to be the boyfriend of someone else at the time. I had always been practical and this time was no exception. Just a small matter of introducing myself to her so I could meet him and although we became friends it would be another 5 years before the deal would be sealed. 28 years later we are still very much happily married.


Myself behind my own Paul McCartney

Which brings me back to the next question they asked in the film--Do you want to have children? At 7, 14 and even 21 I didn't want to have children and that didn't change until well after I was married. Kids drove me crazy, never did what they were asked, made the house messy and were generally obnoxious. I based a lot of this on my two much younger sisters. It wasn't really fair of me, but there you go. I changed my mind after one of my dearest friends gave birth to the most adorable baby boy I'd ever seen. He made me see kids differently and I have to say I am very glad of that since I have two incredible kids now that I cannot imagine living without. So in the next seven years I had my first child, a daughter. Another seven beyond that I had my second child, a boy who by then was two years old.

They asked the English children if they knew where they would be going to university. I have to say at seven years old I probably would have echoed one of the boys, Paul, who asked "What does University mean?" At the time I was moving every 1-2 years since my father worked as a manager of a variety store chain and was constantly being transferred. I hardly knew where I was spending the second half of the year let alone knew what college I'd be going to. It had a deep and lasting effect on me though. I hated change, I hated moving, hated leaving my friends and became very insecure and much more quiet around people by the time I hit junior high where we settled down at last for eight years.
My parents stayed together whereas during that time in the early to mid 1970s most of my friends' parents were splitting up. Looking back I don't think it was actually a good idea that my parents did stay together, there was a lot of unrest, anger and tension that did nothing but drive me out of the house as often as possible. My mom worked as well and I remember she was really angry and exhausted most of the time. Not many women had ventured out and were working outside the home back then.

I had to baby-sit my sisters a lot which I deeply resented. Then my grandfather died and my grandmother came to live with us. Tension and anger grew even greater. I couldn't' stand being home and used every opportunity to leave. My friends became my family and confidants. Boyfriends became the be-all and end-all for me. I was after security, someone who would love me and who would take care of me. I'm not saying my parents didn't love me, they did, very much. But in the midst of raising a family on very little money by two people who got married too early in life and felt saddled with a lot of responsibility there was little time for calm or much tender affection.

So looking back, I started out at seven years old, dramatic, prone to act, I also wrote and directed my own plays, talent shows, dog shows, you name it with the neighborhood kids. I didn't want children but ended up having two and being very thankful I did. Had a major crush on a singer musician and ended up marrying my own version of one. Instead of acting I became a disc jockey until I got married, then went to work in the promotional department of a record broker writing copy, doing ads and coming up with contests for various bands. I went back to college and got my two year degree. My career or lack of one is the only thing still up in the air somewhat although I must say I am enjoying the designing and engineering of this website more than I have anything in years. If I could find a way to get paid for it then I suppose I would think I had a career at last. But I also spend too much of my time alone, something that has never changed for me as I was growing up. I still thrive on being with people and interacting with them. I feel it brings out the best in me.



Me at age 7 in my grandmother's pinny, serving tea to my friends.
Are we the same people at seven as we are now that we have grown up? It was so easy to see it in the school children in the film. Not so easy to see it in myself at the moment. Bits and pieces, yes. But the whole picture? No. Not even now.

I just found out that a friend I met here on Live Journal fairly recently has cancer. She is in great pain and I feel helpless, as you can imagine. Alison and I have only been corresponding for about 7 weeks. That's not long is it. We found we have so much in common in a very short amount of time. We both feel we live in the wrong country. She lives in Dublin and feels so much more at home in California. I love where she lives, she loves where I live. Right now I wish I could be with her. Get to know her in person. I want to take long walks with her and her Scottie dog, Dougal. I want to have cups and cups of tea while the Irish rain beats on the windows and we talk of Irish Rebellion and the brave men of 1916. I want to discuss books and films and art and past lives and current lives and the future. It sounds like all I'm wanting is for myself but what I really want is more for her.

What I do know is that I like her very much and think that we could become friends for a very, very long time. She's funny and bright, she's mystical and thoughtful, she's interesting and has lots to say. Her photo shows a beautiful young woman with a sparkle in her eye and so much to give. I feel lucky that we stumbled into each other here on LJ. She is someone I would never have known if it weren't for the fact that we both share a deep interest in Sean Bean. It's hard to explain Sean to others who don't know him but he has something special, something deep and abiding in his heart that comes out in his work and everything he does. He is a special man who has brought some very special people into my life.

This morning, at a memorial service for journalist Adrian Sudbury, Sean read an extract from the poem 'On Death' by Indian poet Khalil Gibran. It is a beautiful, moving piece and read in Sean's requisite dulcet Yorkshire tones. (My daughter calls Yorkshire God's Womb and I have no doubt she's right.)

I am posting it here for you, Alison. Because I know what comfort Sean's voice gives you. I wish I could do so much more than this. I am available for whatever you need, any time. But for now, let Sean's voice wash over you and help you feel in a better place.
Love,
Traci

My son turned me onto this the other day and I thought I would add it here as further demonstration as to why in general I find the English more charming than Americans... plus they are still finding unexploded bombs from WWII in their tube stations. How cool is that?!!!




as opposed to this:

C'mon, the rainbow is calling you. Show off from whence you came....



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